


Forgotten No More

by ThePeachyMonkey



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Brain Damage, Developing Relationship, Episode: s01e04 Cyberwoman, Episode: s01e06 Countrycide, Fluff, Gwen Bashing, Hurt Ianto Jones, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-03 19:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePeachyMonkey/pseuds/ThePeachyMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of "Cyberwoman" and "Countrycide", Ianto is left emotionally broken. Will Jack be able to put him back together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I always felt that the show missed some great story telling opportunities by ignoring Ianto's emotional state after what happened in both Cyberwoman and Countrycide. In this story, I'm attempting to set that right, both by going into what Ianto was feeling, and also having Jack take responsibility for his part in things.  
> The early chapters of this story have a fair amount of sadness and angst. But believe me, it will get better. This is actually going to end up being a very sweet and uplifting story.
> 
> I've also recently started a Ianto-centric community over at LiveJournal. Coffee With Ianto is a place to share in our mutual love, affection and appreciation for Ianto through discussion, fan fiction and fan art. Hope to see you there! :)
> 
> http://coffeewithianto.livejournal.com/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We begin where "Countrycide" should have ended. With the emotional fallout of what happened to Ianto with the cannibals, rather than Gwen's need to know "why" and her ridiculous affair with Owen. (I like Owen, but that was a low point for him. :P )
> 
> Big thanks to the talented penumbria, for making the amazing and beautiful artwork to go along with this story! :)

 

Ianto sat alone in the back of the SUV, watching the organized chaos play out before him in a tear blurred haze. He wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or relieved to have been saved from the cannibals. True, he had been terrified, and the death would have been a slow, painful one. But then, it would all be over. No more pain. No more suffering. He would never again have to look into Jack's eyes, so filled with disappointment and hatred for him.

A few weeks had passed since Lisa had wreaked havoc on the Hub, killing both Dr. Tanizaki and an innocent pizza girl, and coming frighteningly close to killing the team as well.  
Ianto didn't know it would come to that. He truly believed that Lisa could be saved. He just couldn't accept that the woman he loved was gone. The hope that he could cure her was all he had left of the life that had been ripped away from him during the battle at Canary Wharf.

But the team didn't understand that. There was no empathy for the tears that he cried. No words of comfort for his grieving heart. He was all alone. It was as it had always been since he'd lost Lisa.

Alone.

Ianto wasn't foolish enough to think that being invited along on this mission meant his status on the team had changed. He was still just the tea boy. Jack only wanted him along to keep an eye on him. He couldn't be trusted alone in the Hub.

It had never been said. It didn't need to be. It was implied all over Jack's features.

In the end, Ianto was useless. He couldn't save Tosh. He couldn't even safe himself. In the eyes of the team, the fact that he'd nearly ended up dinner to a village of cannibals was likely a fitting punishment.

The lack of empathy or concern as people flitted around him confirmed his suspicions. He'd been given a once over by the paramedics but, apart from some cuts and a lot of bruising, they didn't see anything wrong with him.

That's the thing. They couldn't _see_ anything wrong. But after losing both the woman he loved, and the trust of the man he was growing to love, Ianto was already left in an emotionally fragile and vulnerable state. Being put in a position to die, and then so quickly dismissed after the rescue...well, that is what finally broke him.

Ianto felt dizzy, the noises around him becoming muffled, as if he were underwater. Steadying himself with his hands pressing to the SUV's floor behind his back, he carefully lowered himself, laying on his back and curling his legs inward to rest as comfortably as he could manage in the small space.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

Ianto awoke as the SUV jolted to a stop. As his eyes fluttered open, he wondered who had fastened him into the front seat. Blinking the sleep away, he noticed they had parked in front of his flat.

"Get some rest," Jack ordered. "And take tomorrow off."

Ianto nodded blearily at Jack, trying to pick up any trace of emotion in his voice and finding none.

"You okay?" the American asked, and this time, Ianto did hear his tone soften.

If Ianto hadn't felt so weak and overwhelmed with pain, both physical and emotional, he would have laughed bitterly at such an absurd question. Instead, he mumbled "yeah", stumbled out of the SUV, and made his way up the stairs to his building.

Once inside his flat, Ianto tossed his keys onto the counter and flicked on the lights as quickly as he possibly could. He didn't like the idea of being alone at the moment. Recent events hadn't exactly left him feeling very safe. But alone was all he would ever be anymore. He had no one.

Shuffling over to a cabinet, he pulled out a bottle of wine - one he had been saving for when Lisa was finally cured. Sighing heavily, he removed the foil seal, then popped the cork. _"No sense in letting this go to waste,"_ he thought, plopping himself down onto the couch.

Wrapping his lips around the mouth of the bottle, Ianto tilted his head back. Tonight, he just wanted to be numb.


	2. An End To Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know this chapter is brutal. Rest assured that it will get better in time, I promise!
> 
> On a lighter note, I'm excited to invite you to my newly created LiveJournal community, Coffee With Ianto! I hope that you'll join us to celebrate and appreciate the lovable, charming, and witty Ianto Jones through discussion, fan fiction and fan art!
> 
> http://coffeewithianto.livejournal.com/

 

Toshiko entered the Hub, boots clicking in a quick, steady rhythm as she breathlessly made her way to her desk and set her leather jacket down neatly across the back of her chair. She had forgotten to set an alarm, waking up two hours later than she'd wanted to. She knew that Jack would understand. It was more a matter of not wanting to let herself down than anyone else. But that knowledge didn't lessen her stress one bit.

"Tosh!"

She looked up at Jack's concerned features as he sprinted over to her, placing a concerned hand on her shoulder.

"How are you feeling?" Jack asked, studying Tosh's face with worry.

"I'm fine. Really," Tosh insisted with a half smile. "It's Ianto you should worry about." She looked around, eyes searching for the quiet Welshman. "Where _is_ Ianto?"

Jack looked up at her, the smile vanished from his face, as his tone turned seriously. "I'm not sure. I've been trying to call him for the last hour. I assumed you'd talked to him, considering your friendship.

  
Tosh shook her head, worry present on her face.

  
At that, Jack turned around, sprinting towards his office. "I'll give him another call," he called over his shoulder.

Tosh's heart sank at the look Jack shot her. She knew they were thinking the same thing; something was wrong. Ianto was never late. One thing she could always count on when she walked into work was Ianto's sweet, polite smile and a fresh, hot cup of coffee prepared just the way she liked it.  
She'd worried about him when they went to Brecon Beacons. Still so emotionally raw from losing Lisa. In the aftermath of that, there remained a tension between Ianto and the rest of the team. Tosh knew that the reason Jack had paired them up for the mission was because she was the only one who had been consistently kind and gentle with him after discovering he'd been hiding a cyberwoman in the Hub for months. And, during that time when his heart was still healing, gentle understanding was exactly what Ianto needed.

Additionally, Ianto wasn't accustomed to going out on such dangerous missions. He was terrified from the start - he had told Tosh as much. And yet, when the time came, he bravely tried to save her - even if he knew he might not make it out himself. Over the past few weeks, Tosh had proven herself to be Ianto's one true friend, and he had repaid her kindness by putting his life on the line for her sake.

Tosh had wanted to talk to Ianto after Jack rescued them from the cannibals. But, quite honestly, she was still in shock, shaken, and feeling more than a little sick to her stomach. The image of Ianto bound, gagged and squealing in fear with a meat cleaver pressed to his neck was still freshly etched into her mind, and she couldn't quite find the right words to say to him. A simple "I'm glad you're all right" was all she could manage. The statement was heartfelt and sincere, but Tosh knew that it wasn't enough.

Perhaps she should have offered to stay with Ianto that night, instead of asking Jack to drop her off at home, Tosh thought. Thinking back on it, he was in no state to be alone. What the hell were any of them thinking, just leaving him there like that?!

Trying to put the unpleasant thoughts out of her mind, Tosh attempted to turn her attention towards her work. But she kept casting worried glances towards Jack's office, watching him pace nervously. He was obviously worried, too.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

Jack paced his office anxiously, dialing Ianto yet again. It had been mere seconds since the last call. But anything could happen in that time. Perhaps Ianto was in the shower. Maybe he was on another call. Better yet, he might walk into the Hub at any moment.

 _"Hello. You have reached Ianto Jones,"_ the message began once again, and Jack slumped hopelessly into his chair, slamming his phone onto the desk.

Rubbing his hands over his face, Jack thought back to the past few weeks, starting with his own behavior at discovering that Ianto had been hiding his cyber girlfriend in the Hub for months.

At the time, he had been blinded by feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal, Wondering if Ianto's playful flirtations were real. Had the handsome young Welshman been using him all along? Had Ianto taken advantage of Jack's very real feelings for him - unspoken though they had been - so that he could eventually unleash a cyberwoman upon the world?

But as time passed and the anger subsided, Jack felt very ashamed of his actions. He no longer saw Ianto as a scheming young man who had conned his way into Jack's heart only to serve his own agenda. Instead, he saw a man grieving the loss of the woman he loved, refusing to accept the reality of the situation. He saw good intentions in those kind blue eyes; a man who still had faith in the good of humanity. One who had not yet been made too cynical.

Ianto was right; Jack was the worst monster of all. He'd held a gun to Ianto's head. _"Oh God..." J_ ack felt sick to his stomach as he recalled the look of fear in Ianto's face as he said those terrible words he could never take back.

_"Execute her! Or I'll execute you both!"_

Jack's heart was cold with rage as he watched Ianto weep loudly and openly over the bodies of Lisa and the pizza girl she had killed. Ianto had just lost the woman he loved, realized what a monster she'd become, and been forced to stare into the unforgiving eyes of the team he had betrayed.

 

And how did Jack react? He left him no time to mourn. There was no kindness, no empathy.

  
Instead, Jack forced Ianto to clean up the bloody mess left behind without help. Worse yet, he had ordered Ianto to incinerate the bodies. Ianto had to stand there and watch as the woman he loved burned to ashes before him. And as his wails resonated throughout the Hub, Jack felt nothing.

It was Tosh who had snapped him back into humanity. Owen and Gwen had long since gone home, and Jack was stoically finishing up some paperwork in his office, ignoring Ianto's loud cries, when Tosh angrily burst in.

"You wretched beast!" she growled, her hand delivering a stinging slap across Jack's cheek in time with her words. "Ianto was right! You are a monster!"

"He endangered my team. He endangered humanity!" Jack coldly tried to rationalize "What would you have me do?!"

"Show a little compassion, that's what!" Tosh snapped. "Do you really think that Ianto intended to harm anyone? Do you really think he had any idea what Lisa had become? Ianto doesn't have a hateful bone in his body, Jack! What he did, he did out of love! And yes, it was foolish! Yes, it was dangerous! But I don't think he believed that!"

Tosh paused, taking a few calming deep breaths to steady herself.  
"Have you never made bad choices for love?"

Tosh's uncharacteristic outburst forced realization to hit Jack, and Ianto's sobs suddenly tore at his heart with a fierce brutality.

  
_"What have I done?"_ Jack thought, thoroughly disgusted with himself.

"I'll go down and help Ianto finish cleaning up," Jack decided. It was the least he could do after the way he had hurt Ianto.

"No," Tosh said in a clipped tone. "I'll help Ianto. Seeing you right now would only upset him more."

With that, she turned on her heels and walked out, leaving Jack to marinate in his own guilt.

The weeks that followed, the uncomfortable tension between the two men had nothing to do with what Ianto had done, and everything to do with the way Jack had reacted to it. He was just too ashamed to face Ianto. A simple apology would seem trite. Yes, he was sorry. More than words could ever properly express. But after the way Jack had treated Ianto, a simple apology would almost be insulting.

As Jack burst into that house filled with hungry cannibals, and saw Ianto at their mercy, a protective anger erupted within him. He might not be able to make up for what he'd done, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let those monsters make a roast of Ianto.

As he unloaded his gun, killing and injuring the gathering of cannibals, he did it all for Ianto's sake. Ianto needed to survive, so that Jack could one day make things right between them.

When it was done, Jack glanced over at Ianto, who lay shaking and crying in Tosh's arms, barely aware, it seemed, that the nightmare had ended. His eyes glazed over, unfocused, and Jack couldn't stand to look at what those animals had done to him.

So Gwen's brash insistence that she needed to know "why?" was almost a welcome - though irritating - distraction. Something to keep him from facing the damaged man that he was, in part, responsible for breaking.

Now, Jack wished he hadn't so selfishly accepted that distraction. Ianto had needed him, and Jack had left him alone, yet again. He couldn't imagine what could have been going on in Ianto's mind when he'd dropped him off at home that night. And now, it was nearly lunch time, and Ianto was unreachable. Something was definitely wrong. Jack knew he had to find Ianto before it was too late.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

Ianto grunted, slowly waking on the cool tile. The past day had been a blur of headaches and vomiting. Despite the fact that he had been sleeping by the toilet - its bowl caked with vomit and stomach fluid - Ianto still found himself covered in the stuff, along with piss and caked on shit.

Disgusted, he slowly stood, gingerly peeling the clothes from his body. He hadn't bothered to undress since returning from the mission, and now that he was thinking clearly, he couldn't dispose of the hated garments soon enough. Stuffing them into the trash bin, Ianto decided the first thing he would need to do was take a shower.

Looking at his reflection, he noted his hair standing up on end, bits of vomit stuck to it throughout. His body, a cut up patchwork of deep reds, blues and purples, served as a reminder of his weakness and failure.

Ianto turned the shower faucet, adjusting the temperature to as hot as he could stand, praying to wash away his shame.

Stepping into the tub, Ianto felt the warm spray melt away the tension in his aching muscles. As it did so, he found himself wondering what day it was. _"Am I due back at work today?"_ he wondered. _"Well, no matter. They're not likely to notice until they need coffee, or someone to clean up after them. That's all I'm good for, really. And that hardly makes me a valued member of the team."_

Once Ianto had washed away the filth - though not the shame, guilt or sorrow - he dried himself off and stepped out of the tub, eyeing his bruised reflection with disdain. He was still so sore. Every time he moved, he was reminded of what had happened to him. That was something he could not bear to live with.

Certain he had some kind of ointment that might ease his discomfort, Ianto opened his medicine cabinet. It was then that his eyes fell upon the bottle of painkillers he had stashed away for Lisa. She wouldn't be needing them anymore, and Ianto so desperately wanted to end his suffering.

It was almost too perfect.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

Jack felt his chest constrict with panic as he raced into Ianto's building, up the stairs to his flat.

"Ianto, " he called gently, knocking politely and hoping the younger man had simply forgotten to charge his phone, and would answer the door at any moment.

After a minute of doing that, with still no response, Jack became more desperate.

"Ianto!" he hollered, pounding more loudly this time, his desperation growing.

A muffled moan caused Jack to feel a wave of both panic and relief wash over him.

"Ianto! Ianto, it's Jack! Open up!"

Dead silence.

Looking around to make sure no one was watching, Jack pulled a small object out of his pocket, about the shape and size of a pen. It was a piece of alien tech he'd found years ago. Sort of a universal key, able to unlock anything.

Letting himself in, Jack couldn't hold back the gasp of horror that escaped his lips as his eyes fell upon Ianto's lifeless form.

Ianto lay on the couch, wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxers and a white t-shirt. His face was unshaven, and his hair, though recently washed, remained messy. His legs hung over one of the couch's arms. His left arm rested on his stomach, while the right one dangled over the side of the couch. A glass lay shattered on the floor, water spilled upon the hardwood. A bottle of pills - which had been, for the most part, emptied - rolled under the glass coffee table.

Careful not to step on the broken glass, Jack sat on the couch, gently scooping Ianto into his arms.

"Ianto," He whispered, cradling the young Welshman. "What have you done?"

Hope momentarily surged in Jack's heart as Ianto blinked, looking up at him through half-lidded eyes.

"Jack...sorry," he murmured softly, before slipping out of consciousness.

"No," Jack whispered, pulling Ianto's limp body to his chest. " _I'm_ sorry!"


	3. Jack's Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack shows his softer side (at least towards Ianto) in this chapter.  
> There's also a fair amount of Gwen bashing. But she kind of deserves it. ;)

 

Jack leaned in, putting his ear to Ianto's face and listening for his breath. It was weak, but present. As he continued to hold the Welshman close, he tried his best to think clearly. With Ianto's life hanging in the balance, it would do no good to panic. So Jack gently lay Ianto back down as he slid off the couch, then crouched down to examine the nearly empty bottle of pills on the floor.

"Shit!" Jack hissed in a whispered panic as he read the label. A hospital wouldn't be able to save Ianto. Jack was going to have to call in the team.

 

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

Tosh felt panic twist the pit of her stomach as Jack's voice came through her comm. She knew that he had gone to check on Ianto, and now he was summoning the entire team. This couldn't be good.

"Yes, Jack, what is it?" she asked. "Did you find Ianto?"

An uncomfortable pause followed before Jack finally answered. "Yes. I did. I...Owen! I'm going to need you to load up the SUV with some supplies and bring them to Ianto's flat. I don't know exactly what to tell you to bring. You'll need to examine him yourself. But I'm guessing some kind of supplementary oxygen, an IV...you might need to insert a feeding tube..."

Owen's face went ghostly pale as he listened to Jack speak. "Oi! Harkness! What's wrong with tea boy?"

Jack hesitated for only a moment. It seemed in bad taste to blurt out what Ianto had done over the comms, but the more information Owen had, the easier it would be for him to help.

"Ianto...I think he tried to kill himself," Jack finally answered in a shaky whisper. "From the looks of it, he overdosed on painkillers."

Tosh gasped, wringing her hands tightly to her chest. Gwen's eyes widened in surprise, but she showed no real sign of emotion. Attempting to maintain calm, Owen closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Jack, shouldn't you get Ianto to a hospital? I'm not sure I -"

"I can't Owen," Jack cut the medic off. "Ianto got the pills from Torchwood One."

At those words, Owen and Tosh exchanged panicked glances.

"All right. Just hang on. We'll be there as soon as we can," Owen said, trying to sound reassuring.

"Please hurry!" Jack pleaded before hanging up.

Without a word, Tosh and Owen raced down to the med bay. Gwen followed less enthusiastically behind.

 

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

Jack was there to greet them when they arrived at Ianto's building, hurriedly ushering them in and leading them up to the Welshman's flat.

Jack had moved Ianto to the bedroom, tucking him into the soft, warm comfort of his bed. Not that Ianto noticed. His breathing had grown weaker; more shallow. His pale skin had taken on a tinge of sickly green. Tremors ran through his body, despite the fact that he was hot to the touch.

"Bloody hell," Owen gasped, quickly checking for a pulse before beginning the rest of his examination.

"He's alive, but just barely," Owen informed them. "If I treat him now, I _might_ be able to save him."

Tosh sobbed loudly, leaning back against the wall and covering her eyes. Jack, whose tears were silent, though no less abundant, quickly rushed over to her, offering a comforting hug to the hysterical women.

"We did this to him," Tosh cried into Jack's chest. "We're responsible!"

Jack shook his head. "No. Not you, Tosh. If anything, you were the one person who made these last few weeks bearable for Ianto."

Gwen gave a derisive snort, rolling her eyes.

Noting the angry glare Tosh shot up at Gwen, and feeling anger surge through his own heart at the woman, Jack thought it best to deal with her elsewhere. Who knew how much Ianto could hear or comprehend in his comatose state? There was no way Jack was going to risk upsetting him. And Tosh certainly didn't need to endure Gwen's emotional poison at the moment.

Turning back to Tosh, he placed calming hands on her shoulders. "You stay here and see if Owen needs any help, okay?"

Tosh nodded, sniffling, and walked over to join Owen at Ianto's bedside.

"Cooper. With me," Jack barked, motioning to her. With purpose, he exited the bedroom, Gwen following smugly behind.

"Is there something you want to say?" Jack asked, leaning against Ianto's kitchen counter as Gwen picked up a pepper mill and started playing around with it.

"Not really," she answered casually. "I was just thinking how unfortunate it is that Ianto's little play for sympathy backfired on him."

The tense silence that hung between them was almost suffocating, and if looks good kill, Gwen certainly would have been bleeding out of her eyes.

Walking over to the kitchen table, Jack picked up an empty bottle of wine.

"I found this behind the couch. There were no wine glasses near it. Ianto obviously drank it alone. Judging from the mess I had to clean up in the bathroom, he was hungover and ended up sleeping in his own waste. And I don't even want to think about how many of those pills he took. There was no scheming going on here. Ianto's actions were that of a man desperate to end his suffering. He had so little hope left, that he thought the only answer was to self destruct. How can you be so blind to the facts, Gwen?"

Gwen was quiet and thoughtful for a moment, and Jack suspected that she was thinking of an excuse to justify her attitude, rather than to apologize for it.

Well," she finally spoke up. "Maybe Ianto _should_ feel a little badly. After he let that - _thing_ into the Hub -"

"Are you saying Ianto deserves this?" Jack accused angrily.

"No!" Gwen's eyes widened, as she finally seemed to realize she might have crossed a line. "Of course not. But after what he did, it's only natural -"

"He made a mistake. A terrible mistake. And he realized that. You, of all people, should understand that, since you seem to be our resident expert on deadly mistakes."

Jack's tone, though calm and even, was also menacing and final, telling Gwen that he was leaving no room for argument. His glare seemed to immobilize Gwen, leaving her speechless as he pointed to the couch.

"Sit down and shut up. I don't want to hear another word out of you as long as we're all here."

Gwen nodded sheepishly, walking over to the couch and sitting down, crossing her arms and pouting like a petulant child.

Turning away from Gwen, Jack couldn't help smiling. It felt good to put Gwen in her place, and it was long overdue.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

About an hour later, Owen confirmed that Ianto was out of danger. He'd inserted a feeding tube into Ianto's nose and a tube down his throat. An IV was dripping into the young Welshman's arm, and Jack could see that Owen had also inserted a catheter.

"Ianto will be all right," Owen informed Jack and Tosh. "But there's no telling if he'll ever wake up. I didn't pick up very much in the way of brain activity when I scanned him.

"Does...does that mean he's brain dead?" Jack stammered.

"Not necessarily," Owen answered, trying to sound reassuring. "Those are some powerful drugs in his system. It's possible they're just strongly suppressing brain activity." Owen forced a smile, putting a gentle hand on Jack's shoulder. "Fact is, with what Ianto did to himself, it's a wonder he's not dead. He might just pull through yet."

Jack nodded, taking a deep breath.

"So, what now?" Tosh asked, her bottom lip quivering as she looked down at her friend.

"He can't be left alone," Owen told them. "Someone is going to need to stay with him to monitor his vitals, clean him, move him so his muscles don't atrophy..."

"I'll do it," Jack offered. "I want to."

"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me," Owen said with a sad smile. "All right. I'll tell you everything you need to know. And if you need a break, I don't mind taking over."

"I can help,too," Tosh offered.

"Thank you." Jack nodded his appreciation. If only Ianto could see the team - minus Gwen - rallying around him.

 _"You see, Ianto?"_ Jack thought, looking down lovingly at the younger man. _"We forgive you. We just want you to be well again."_

Sitting down on the bed, Jack took one of Ianto's cold, lifeless hands into his own, making him a silent promise.

_"I'm sorry I never took the time to get to know you before, Ianto. But after you wake up, I swear I'll make it up to you!"_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'd like to invite you to join my new LiveJournal community, Coffee With Ianto. It's still a brand new community, but I'm hoping it becomes a lively place to share in our love and appreciation for Ianto. :)
> 
> http://coffeewithianto.livejournal.com/


	4. Shifting Perspectives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've enjoyed making new friends and getting to know people over at my new Ianto-centric LiveJournal group, Coffee With Ianto. I hope that you'll join us there and share in the Ianto love. :)
> 
> http://coffeewithianto.livejournal.com/

 

It had been just over two months since Ianto attempted to take his own life, and every day was a struggle for Jack to maintain optimism.

The pills Ianto had smuggled out of Torchwood One had been intended for Lisa. Much stronger than even hospital grade pain killers, fast acting and quickly metabolized. By the time Owen had gotten to him, it was too late to try and flush the drug out of Ianto's system.

These pills weren't intended to treat a simple headache or toothache. They were meant for only the most severe - often alien induced - kinds of pain, such as what one would experience after being partially converted into a cyberman, as Lisa had been. In less than an hour, it numbed the body, shut down brain activity, and caused a person to fall into a medically induced coma. It was only to be used in extreme cases, when the patient would have been in unspeakable agony if awake, and the effects typically only lasted about a week. Ianto, however, had taken nearly 1/3 of a bottle. Swallowing that many pills would be a bad idea for anyone. But the fact that Ianto had a slight build, hadn't eaten a proper meal in days, and was severely dehydrated meant that his body had turned against him. It pained Jack to think that Ianto just might get his death wish after all.

At this point, it seemed things were one step forward, two steps back for Ianto. He was breathing on his own now, but still comatose and unable to eat. The feeding tube had been removed from his nose, and a more long term one placed in his stomach. Sometimes, Ianto appeared still as the death. Others, his eyelids would flutter for just a split second.

Jack tried to focus on the progress Ianto seemed to be making, rather than the setbacks, though it often felt like he was confusing hope with delusion. But he wasn't ready to give up on Ianto. Not yet.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

The team was feeling the strain of being down two people at all times. They were also suffering from a lack of decent coffee. No one could get the coffee maker to work like Ianto did, and going to Starbucks daily would be expensive and inconvenient. So, as much as they hated it, they had resigned themselves to the fact that they might need to settle for instant sometimes. Toshiko had tried to make it more bearable by bringing in instant cappuccino drinks and various teas, but they were no replacement for Ianto's bold, aromatic coffee to get them through the day.

Despite all this, most of the team was taking things in stride, being understanding and cooperative, and dealing with the loss as best they could. Jack spent most of his time with Ianto, and was the one who was usually left in charge of the more intimate aspects of his care, such as bathing. But Tosh and Owen also played a big part in looking out for Ianto's health and well being. Being Ianto's doctor, Owen naturally spent almost as much time with him as Jack did. He felt Ianto was his responsibility, and thought this was the least he could do to try and make up for the bullying he had subjected the Welshman to in the weeks following the incident with Lisa.

While Jack and Tosh had come around to forgiving Ianto, it didn't come as easily to Owen and Gwen. Feeling betrayed, as if everything they thought they knew about Ianto was a lie, they went out of their way to leave extra messes for him to clean up. They often complained about the coffee; claiming it was too weak, too strong, not hot enough for their liking, etc. Though the coffee was always perfect, they took pleasure in watching Ianto have to make more, always left with extra dishes to wash, and wasted coffee that he would need to replenish.

Sometimes, Owen would "accidentally" bump into Ianto, spilling coffee or snacks all over his nice suits. And if the Welshman ever looked the least bit upset, Owen and Gwen would make comments intended to rub salt in his wounds.

_"Careful not to piss off tea boy, Gwen. You don't know what else he might be hiding in the basement."_

 

It wasn't until they went out to the countryside, and Gwen asked who the last person everyone snogged was, that Owen began to feel twinges of regret at his actions . Gwen had framed the question under the pretense of it being a game, but Owen knew better. It had been intended to hurt Ianto. And to see the sadness in his eyes that day, to hear the grief in his voice, Owen started to truly feel like a monster.

Seeing Ianto later that night, frightened and vulnerable at the hands of the cannibals, and learning that he had been put in that position because he was trying to save Tosh, Owen saw the goodness and heroism in him. He'd never intended to harm anyone. And what right did any member of the team have to pass judgement on him? They weren't exactly saints.

With everything that had happened, and the clear physical evidence of Ianto's inner turmoil now threatening to take his very life, Owen couldn't understand how Gwen couldn't have had a change of heart too. In fact, she seemed to be torn between a smug satisfaction that Ianto was fighting for his life, and annoyance that caring for him had taken Owen's attention away from her. "

 

 _"And let's be honest",_ Owen thought. _"She's not exactly thrilled that Ianto's getting so much of Jack's attention either."_

 

Owen knew that Gwen didn't hate Ianto. But he also knew that she held some resentment towards him after Lisa had strapped her into the conversion unit. Understandable. But he didn't know how she could continue to believe that Ianto had intended for any harm to come to her, or anyone else on the team.

Additionally, Owen couldn't deny that Gwen was more than a little selfish. She claimed to be the "heart of Torchwood", but had remained blind to the suffering of her own team mate.

 _"I may be a bastard sometimes, but even I came around eventually,"_ Owen thought as he pulled up in front of Ianto's building. He hadn't made it out of the Hub without having to endure yet another angry rant from Gwen about how he never made time for her anymore.

 

_"Torchwood is supposed to protect the planet! Why are we wasting our time on one man who tried to destroy it?" Gwen ranted._

_"Come on, Gwen, you don't really mean that," Owen said warily, trying not to lose his temper with her. "Ianto's life is just as important as anyone else's."_

_"I'm not saying his life doesn't matter," Gwen argued. "I just think -"_

_"Go on ahead, Owen," Tosh interrupted calmly, yet firmly, surprising Owen and Gwen with her quiet approach. "Don't waste your time arguing. Ianto is the priority here." Tosh's eyes narrowed as she glared fiercely at Gwen. "She's not worth wasting your breath on."_

_"Right," Owen nodded, putting on his coat. He didn't want to leave the two angry women alone together, but Tosh was right. Taking care of Ianto was priority, and he couldn't let Gwen distract him._

_"Gwen, I hope you'll rethink your opinion of Ianto.You might just find he's the true heart of Torchwood."_

_Left speechless by Owen's words, Gwen simply waved him off indignantly. And as Owen walked away, he noticed two surprising things._

_1\. Gwen actually did seem to be considering what he had said._

_2\. The loving way that Tosh was looking at him._

_With a strange flutter in his heart, Owen began to think that maybe his affair with Gwen was a mistake, and he found himself finding Tosh more beautiful by the moment._

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

 

Letting himself into Ianto's flat, Owen reminded himself that, if Ianto ever woke up, things were going to need to change at work. He knew it. Jack and Tosh knew it. The only one who seemed to need convincing was Gwen.

Walking into Ianto's room, Owen looked on as Jack pulled the blankets up over the younger man and kissed him on the forehead. It really was a sweet and touching sight. Seeing the gentle warmth that Jack had been showing Ianto every day made Owen see Torchwood's leader in a whole new way. Before, he'd never thought Jack capable of falling in love. But it was clear as day to anyone who saw him with Ianto now that that was exactly what was happening.

"How is he?" Owen asked, checking Ianto's IV.

"No real change from yesterday," Jack sighed tiredly, as he reached to take Ianto's hand. "I just gave him a bath. He's got a rash on his groin, so I had to put some ointment on it."

"Better you handle that than me," Owen chuckled . "You should get back to the Hub before Tosh and Gwen kill each other."

"That bad, huh?" Jack asked with a joyless laugh.

"Yeah," Owen nodded. "You need to have a talk with Gwen. She's still holding a grudge against Ianto. If he wakes up and has to come back to that, I'm not sure he could handle it. We already know that his mental state is very fragile."

Jack sighed, running his thumb along the top of Ianto's hand. "Do you think he could ever forgive us?"

Owen shrugged. "Hard to know what's going on in his head. I mean, I had no idea he was so messed up."

Jack glared darts at Owen.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Owen held his hands up in surrender. "Not messed up. Just...troubled. And believe me, I feel awful that I never bothered to notice."

"Me too," Jack choked out through his tears. "I knew what happened at Canary Wharf. I knew that Ianto was there. I should have taken the time to find out what _he_ needed, not just ordered him to take care of _our_ needs!"

"Well, hopefully we'll all have a chance to make it up to him," Owen said, holding up the blood pressure cuff. "But right now, I need tea boy's arm.

"All right," Jack nodded as he started to let go of Ianto's hand. Then, with a sudden jolt, he looked up at Owen with surprise.

"Everything all right, Jack?" Owen asked, giving Jack a quizzical look.

"Yeah," Jack whispered, smiling.

"Ianto just squeezed my hand."

 


	5. Seeking Love's Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the kudos, comments and follows! I truly do appreciate them! I hope you will continue to enjoy the story as it progresses. I'm trying to make it as emotionally authentic as possible. I hope that I'm able to pull it off.

 

"Ianto. Ianto, can you hear me?" Jack asked hopefully. His hand still holding Ianto's, he silently prayed for another squeeze from the comatose Welshman. But minutes passed and Jack's spirits fell as Ianto's hand once again felt limp and dead.

"I didn't imagine it," Jack insisted. "Ianto is still in there. I'm sure of it! A part of him must know I'm here."

"I don't doubt it," Owen said, looking at his young team mate. "A hand squeeze is a good sign. But tea boy here is in a bad state. We can't expect full blown miracles. He needs to come back to us in his own time."

Jack nodded in sad acknowledgment. Owen was right. In the meantime, Ianto still needed care. And unfortunately, Jack had to return to the Hub to deal with Gwen before Tosh did it for him.

"Ianto, I have to go now. But Owen's here, and he'll take care of you while I'm gone. I'll be back real soon, all right?"

Jack kissed Ianto's hand softly before letting it go, allowing his hold to linger a little longer than usual. There was no squeeze this time, but as he slowly pulled away, Jack felt Ianto's fingers brush against his hand.

Jack watched as Ianto's fingers slowly curled, like an infant learning to grip. Long, elegant digits seemed to search as a pleading whimper escaped the Welshman's lips.

Placing a hand back within Ianto's reach, Jack watched as the younger man latched on, seeming to find security and contentment in the contact.

"That's right, Ianto. I'm here," Jack cooed. "Do you want me to stay?"

Ianto turned his head in the direction of Jack's voice, though his eyes remained closed, and he appeared to still be sleeping. Ianto opened and closed his mouth soundlessly, once again reminding Jack of a newborn. He seemed to be seeking comfort; reaching out from a place of darkness; feeling safety in the touch of the one who had been at his side from the start.

"I can't leave him. Not now," Jack said firmly, looking up at Owen.

Owen couldn't help the smile that lit up his face at the touching sight. "All right. I'll go back to the Hub. No worries. But I need you to at least step away long enough for me to look Ianto over, all right?"

"You got it, doc," Jack winked, letting go of Ianto's hand; more than a little disappointed that he was no longer reaching or grasping. Ianto was once again limp and lifeless. But Jack wasn't discouraged. Even if Ianto's mind was not yet comprehending it, something deep within him longed for the loving warmth of Jack's touch. Jack only hoped that Ianto would continue to seek comfort in him when he eventually came into full awareness.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

After a call to Tosh confirmed that the Rift was being quiet, Jack told her that she and Gwen could go home. "No sense in leaving the two of them alone together", Jack thought, half wondering if Tosh had knocked Gwen unconscious and thrown her in a cell with an angry Weevil. He almost felt guilty when his mouth turned up into a smile at the thought. Almost.

Owen had recently stepped out, and Tosh was expected to arrive at any moment. But for now, Jack had Ianto all to himself. He stared with affection at the younger man, for the first time in months feeling optimistic. Owen had run the Bekaran Scanner and confirmed only the slightest flicker of brain activity. Just enough to recover a small amount of muscle memory. He told Jack that Ianto was likely recovering from what the pills had done to him, just very slowly. Now, it was all a matter of waiting.

Jack had no idea how long the whole process would take. He might face a long road to recovery. Or it could be very sudden. The only thing Jack knew for certain was that he would stay at Ianto's side, every step of the way.

"You're in love with him."

Jack looked up to see Tosh standing in the doorway, a knowing grin on her pretty face.

"Maybe I am," Jack shrugged, trying to look casual.

"It wasn't a question," Tosh smirked, stepping in and looking down with a sisterly concern at Ianto. "I see it in your eyes. We all do."

"Or maybe I just feel guilty," Jack said dismissively, standing up and walking out of the room.

With one last look at Ianto, Tosh followed Jack into the kitchen, where he was rummaging through the refrigerator.

"You want a sandwich?" he asked. "I'm thinking grilled cheese."

Tosh gently but firmly grabbed Jack's arm with one hand, closing the refrigerator with the other.

"Jack, why is it so hard for you to admit your feelings for Ianto?" she asked, both concerned and exasperated.

"Tosh, Ianto tried to kill himself. Because of me," Jack choked out thickly, looking in the direction of the bedroom. "He doesn't deserve to hurt anymore, and it seems I can't help but hurt him."

"It wasn't all you, Jack," Tosh reminded him. "It was Canary Wharf. It was Lisa. It -"

"It was the way I reacted to Lisa," Jack interrupted. You were there. "You remember. As far as I'm concerned, I may as well have fed Ianto those pills myself."

"It. Wasn't. All. You," Tosh repeated, placing a calming hand over Jack's.

Looking into Tosh's kind eyes - the ones which were filled with a fiery anger just months ago - Jack wondered how she could be so forgiving of him.

"If it wasn't for you, Tosh, I'd still be that monster," Jack almost whispered, looking at Tosh with admiration and gratitude.

"No." Tosh shook her head. "Your anger would have passed eventually, and you'd come to see that Ianto's intentions, while misguided, were well meaning."

"How can you be so sure?" Jack asked doubtfully.

"Because, I believe you've loved Ianto all along," Tosh answered warmly.

A faint smile ghosted Jack's feature's. He had to admit that Tosh just might be right.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

Owen let out an irritated sigh as he arrived home and saw Gwen sitting on the steps outside his building, looking up at him with a big, gap toothed grin.

"You know, Gwen, when a man comes home to find a woman waiting outside for him, it makes her look a bit unstable."

Gwen's face fell into a disappointed frown. "I thought you'd be happy to see me."

"I just saw you," Owen pointed out. "And I'm really not in the mood for surprise visits," he added, as he starting to step around her.

"Wait," Gwen pleaded, grabbing a leg as Owen took the first step up.

"Oi!" Owen swatted away the offending hand, stepping back down to face Gwen, who was now also standing. "Neediness is not an attractive look for you, Cooper."

Managing the sweetest smile she could, Gwen blinked up at Owen with a wide eyed, pitiful look. "Owen, love, what went wrong between us? Lately, it seems you want nothing to do with me." She reached out, giving Owen's arm a squeeze that bordered on desperate and clingy. "Is it because of Ianto?"

Owen gingerly removed Gwen's hand from his arm. From the look of disgust on his face, her hand may as well have been made of pure shit.

"No, Gwen. It's because of you," he informed her. "I'm just baffled that this attitude of yours has persisted. Not once have you asked how Ianto is, or offered to look after him. In fact, you act like what happened to him is an inconvenience to you. Honestly, woman! Are you even capable of looking at things beyond how they affect you?!"

"Of course I am. I'm thinking of what's best for Torchwood, not just me." Gwen was speaking in a mildly sing song voice, addressing Owen as if he were a child and she was trying to make him understand something. Owen doubted she realized she was doing it. This was probably her way of trying to sound sincere.

"Really? And how is that?" Owen asked, wondering what kind of twisted, delusional logic she was going to present him with.

"I just think it would be best if Ianto was taken someplace where he could get the help he so desperately needs. Surely Jack knows someone who can take him off our hands."

" 'Take him off our hands'? Do you hear yourself?!" Owen knew that Gwen had her issues with Ianto, but he couldn't believe she would ever say anything so callous.

"Hear me out, Owen." She once again started to reach for Owen's arm, but the angry scowl on his face made her think better of it. "Ianto is obviously a very disturbed man. People died because he was hiding his cyber girlfriend in the Hub. We nearly died! "

"Yeah? And how many people were killed by that sex crazed alien you let loose on the world?" Owen shot back.

"That was an accident!" Gwen whined defensively.

"Yeah? And you think Ianto meant for anyone to get killed? You really believe that?" Owen challenged.

"I believe he needs help! I think that Jack needs to send him off someplace where they can look after him until he wakes up. And if that happens, he needs to be rehabilitated. It's what's best for everyone."

Owen let out a disgusted huff, sickened by Gwen's words. "You and me, Gwen? We're through!" he declared, pushing past her and making his way up the stairs.

"What? Why? Because of the bloody tea boy?!" she asked shrilly, looking up at him from the sidewalk.

"I already told you, Gwen. This is all on you," Owen said, fighting the urge to punch Gwen in the face. "Now go on home to Rhys. He's probably waiting up for you. Poor bastard."

Before Gwen had a chance to respond, Owen had let himself into the building, leaving Gwen seething on the sidewalk.

Gwen stared in disbelief at the closed door in front of her. She was sure that Owen would eventually come around to her way of thinking. Why couldn't anybody see that she was only trying to do what was in Torchwood's best interest.

Her mind made up, she turned and briskly walked to where she had parked her car. First thing in the morning, she would go over to Ianto's flat to confront Jack. Surely she could talk some sense into him.

 _"I have to,"_ she thought, determined. _"It's for the good of Torchwood."_

 


	6. Open Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't mentioned this in a few weeks, and I hope you don't mind if I do now. But I'd like to invite you to come join my Ianto-centric LiveJournal community, Coffee With Ianto; a place to share our affection for the lovable tea boy through fan works and discussion. I hope to see you there! :)
> 
> http://coffeewithianto.livejournal.com/

 

Jack tried to remain as quiet as possible as he browsed Ianto's refrigerator and cupboards.

Ianto had yet to awaken from his months long coma, and Tosh was sleeping soundly on the couch. Too wound up to sleep himself, Jack needed a quiet way to occupy his time. So he figured now would be as good a time as any to put together a little shopping list.

After Ianto had first fallen into his self inflicted coma, Jack decided to go through his kitchen, making a mental note of the foods Ianto liked to keep around. He would wake up someday- Jack was sure of it! And when he did, he would require time at home to recover, both from what the pills had done to him, and the turmoil that had made him feel there was no other way out.

Ianto's flat had a spacious kitchen, with beautiful, black marble counter tops. Arranged neatly on these counter tops were a rice cooker, food processor and blender, which looked like they had never been used. Jack was also impressed - though not at all surprised - to find a top of the line espresso machine, and a variety of gourmet coffee beans.

There wasn't much in Ianto's refrigerator, but Jack did see enough to get a taste of what he liked. Fresh fruits and vegetables, and a variety of cheeses and deli meats. In the cupboards were various pastas, and sauces and broths.

Opening the freezer, Jack was amused to find a variety of ice creams. Butter pecan, chocolate, mint chip and strawberry. Jack chuckled to himself, finding Ianto's sweet tooth to be a rather adorable discovery.

Now, Jack felt almost embarrassed that he would soon need to replace the ice cream. Between Tosh, Owen and himself, it was almost out, and Jack couldn't help but wonder how his slim team mates could eat like that and not weigh a ton.

A soft whimper, caught Jack's attention. "Ianto!" He set down his pen and paper on the counter and rushed toward Ianto's room, hoping - though not expecting - for him to be awake.

Entering the room, Jack was overjoyed to find Ianto blinking up owlishly at him.

Sitting down, Jack lovingly clasped Ianto's hands, watching the younger man's face. He was taking everything in, as if seeing the world for the first time.

"Hey," Jack cooed. "You really had us scared, Ianto. Please, _please_ don't leave us like that again!"

As Ianto turned his face towards Jack, something snapped into place. Recognition slowly crept into his eyes, and with it, a look of fear, sadness, loss and regret. Ianto's whimpers escalated ever so slightly into weak sobs, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

"It's gonna be okay," Jack soothed, wiping a tear away from Ianto's eye with his thumb. "You're not alone anymore. I'll keep you safe."

"We all will," Tosh added as she entered, moving to stand behind Jack.

Jack looked to the Japanese woman with a grateful smile. "Tosh, since you're up, could you please call Owen? Let him know Ianto is awake?"

Tosh nodded agreeably. "Of course." Brushing a loving hand across Ianto's forehead, she kissed the man she thought of as a brother on the cheek.

"I'll be back soon," she promised, turning to make her departure.

Ianto's bottom lip quivered as his eyes, red and rimmed with tears, watched Tosh as she left.

"Sss...ahh..." he rasped sorrowfully.

Seeing Ianto's struggle, Jack placed a quieting finger upon his lips. "Don't force yourself, Ianto. You'll have plenty of time to tell us what you need to later.

Mournful blue eyes stared up at Jack, and even without words, the older man could understand there was a heavy burden weighing on Ianto's heart.

"Oh, Ianto. I'm s -"

"Owen is on his way," Tosh declared, interrupting Jack. "In the meantime, he said to give Ianto some crushed ice. If he can keep it down, we can move on to broth."

Jack nodded, making way for Tosh to take his place beside Ianto.

"Ianto, sweetie, you must be thirsty. Would you like some ice for your throat?"

Ianto gave a slight nod, opening his mouth and allowing Tosh to feed him a tiny spoonful. He closed his eyes, his features softening. It seemed that the ice felt good on his throat.

"Is that nice?" Tosh asked, brushing a dark curl off of Ianto's forehead.

Grunting in the affirmative, Ianto nodded, tearful eyes dancing between Tosh and Jack. Just as Tosh was about to feed him some more ice, his face twisted into a heartbreaking grimace as he slowly started crying, speaking for the first time since since he woke up.

"S-sorry...sorry..sorry..."

The word repeated intermittently between sobs as Ianto held his arms to his chest, rocking from side to side.

Slow and gentle, Jack firmly grabbed hold of Ianto's face with both hands, forcing the crying man to look at him. Gazing up at Jack, the older man's reassuring gaze seemed to calm Ianto, if only a little. It only took moments for Ianto to quiet, though fear and sorrow were still present in his eyes. He looked up at Jack, receptive.

"I'm not mad anymore, Ianto. None of us are," Jack declared in a reassuring whisper. "We understand now."

Looking down at Ianto's boyish face, Jack was painfully was aware of the nightmares witnessed by those innocent looking eyes. Ianto was a gentle soul, and unlike Jack, his heart had not yet been hardened by the evils of the world. " _Oh, how I wish I could take your burden away from you,"_ Jack thought, wanting nothing more than to protect this young man from feeling any more pain.

Without thinking about it, Jack leaned over and threw his arms around Ianto. He was relieved to hear the Welshman's breathing steady, sighing contently as he inhaled the intoxicating aroma of Jack's 51st century pheromones.

"Will you let me take care of you?" Jack whispered as he held Ianto.

"Um...yes," Ianto replied with a hint of trepidation in his voice. And Jack understood. Ianto's trust would need to be earned. But after all of the ways Jack had hurt Ianto, the very fact that he was willing to give him another chance meant that maybe, just maybe, some real healing could begin.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

Owen let himself into Ianto's flat, thankful that he was used to working ungodly hours and didn't need much sleep. Actually, he had yet to go to bed. Just minutes after he'd left a petulant Gwen moping in front of his building, Tosh called with the news that Ianto was awake. Taking a swig from his coffee mug, Owen now suspected that caffeine would be the only thing keeping him upright for awhile.

"Owen! Thanks for getting here so quickly," Jack called from where he sat on Ianto's bed, resting beside the younger man.

"Ah, I was up anyway," Owen said casually, setting his mug down on a dresser and turning his attention to the young man in the bed.

If it was actually possible to break a person's heart into a million pieces, what Owen then saw would have done just that.

Ianto looked pale, gaunt and fragile. No different from the way he had the looked past few months, really. But with his eyes open, it was that much more startling; the storms of emotions displayed clearly on his face.

Now, Ianto's eyes widened in fear as Owen approached him. He reached out and clung to Jack, looking to the older man for protection.

"No! Owen...he'll...Jack, don't let him touch me!" Ianto begged, weeping into Jack's arm.

"Shh...easy Ianto," Jack soothed, pressing Ianto's head to his chest. "Owen's not going to hurt you. He saved your life when you..."

Jack's voice trailed off as he looked down into Ianto's terrified blue eyes, reminded of the pain he was trying to escape. It was clear now; Ianto had only been keeping it together for Lisa. The horrors he'd witnessed at Canary Wharf would be enough to drive anyone mad. After losing Lisa, had Ianto's armour already started to crack? Was being captured by cannibals what finally broke him? Because there was no denying it; Ianto was completely broken.

"Owen has been helping us take care of you," Jack finally said, thinking it wise not to bring up Ianto's attempted suicide.

Ianto looked to Owen with bewilderment. "But before, you and Gwen -"

"I know, mate, and I'm sorry," Owen said, approaching Ianto's bed. "I was so angry about you hiding Lisa, I never stopped to consider what you were going through. I know what it's like to lose a loved one. I should have been more understanding."

Ianto blinked, confused. "Owen, you're being...nice."

"Yeah, yeah. I've gone soft," Owen scowled in mock indignation. Though secretly, he delighted in the amused smiles he saw pass over Jack and Tosh's lips. And though Ianto clearly still didn't know what to make of his behavior, Owen hoped that he could one day look at him and not be afraid.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

_"I shouldn't be here,"_ Ianto thought, pulling the blankets up around his shoulders and glancing at the window. The sun was just starting to rise, its early light peeking through the cracks in the closed shades.

Why had they bothered to save him? Why did they suddenly pretend to care? Was this yet another cruel punishment?

Ianto was supposed to go unnoticed, as he always had. If he wanted to end his suffering, what concern was it of theirs? What right did they have to take that choice away from him?!

Ianto sighed, breathing in Jack's scent on the sheets, and feeling thoroughly disgusted with himself. After everything that had transpired, why did Ianto still seek comfort in Jack's presence? Why did his heart still flutter when the older man was near? Ianto turned his head away from the side of the bed Jack had been resting on, as if to hide from his own heart.

Owen had looked Ianto over and said he had suffered no lasting ill effects from the overdose. But shortly after, he overheard the medic talking to Jack and Tosh about "moderate brain damage". Ianto huffed, more than a little upset that such an important detail of his condition would be kept from him. First, he was robbed of his chance to leave all this pain behind. Now, he learns he must live out his remaining years with a broken mind. Despite everyone's good intentions - if they were indeed good - Ianto couldn't help feeling frustrated.

Tosh had fed Ianto some beef broth, and Owen said he could start on soft foods like yogurt and pudding in a day or two if he didn't have any problems keeping it down. Then, they'd talk about removing the feeding tube. But at the moment, he'd sooner starve to death.

At least for the moment, everyone was leaving Ianto alone, and he was thankful for that. Tosh and Owen had left, and Jack had been making some calls in the living room.

Ianto closed his eyes, hoping that no one expected him to talk any time soon. He just wasn't in the mood to confront his feelings, and he _really_ wasn't in the mood to share them!

Trying to combat his confusion, upset and agitation with some deep breathing. Ianto was jolted back into reality by Gwen's shrill tones. And from the sound of Jack's voice, her presence was not welcome. Ianto was having trouble following the conversation. But from what he could make out, Gwen felt that Ianto needed to be punished further for hiding Lisa. And Jack was yelling something at her about a "high horse" and "accountability".

Gwen hated Ianto. This much was clear. She would never come out and say it. After all, she was supposedly the "carer" of Torchwood. But her forced "compassion" was fairly easy to see through. Even now, with the brain damage he wasn't supposed to know he had, Ianto knew that Gwen had less than honorable intentions.

But maybe her hatred could be used to his advantage. As an idea formed in his mind, Ianto rang the bell Jack had left on his nightstand for him. Moments later, Jack was at his bedside, Gwen scowling behind him.

"Ianto? Is everything all right?" Jack asked, lovingly cupping his cheek.

"I...I heard Gwen's voice," Ianto smiled up weakly at Jack, then looked past him to Gwen, who was already forcing a smile on her face.

"Yes, Ianto. I heard you were awake. I wanted to see you," Gwen drawled in a saccharine sweet voice. Ianto suspected she wasn't being entirely truthful.

"Thank you. I'm glad you're here," Ianto told her, before turning to Jack. "Jack, can we please have a moment alone?"

Jack looked hesitant, but nodded his consent. "All right. If you need me, just ring." As Jack left, Ianto didn't miss the warning glare he shot Gwen's way.

"Gwen, I'm sorry about Lisa," Ianto apologized once they were alone. "I thought -"

"It's all right, Ianto," Gwen cut him off. "But I hope you understand that actions have consequences. You're going to have to answer for what you've done." Her tone was arrogant and condescending. She seemed to be carrying herself as if she were the new leader of Torchwood. Ianto wondered if she would be so bold with Jack in the room.

"I know," Ianto agreed with a solemn nod. "That's why I need your help."

"Yes? What is it, Ianto? What do you need from me?" Gwen asked, as if she were doing Ianto a tremendous favor just by listening to him.

"I want you to Retcon me."


	7. Innocence Returned

 

Jack sighed as he sat at the kitchen table, staring at his laptop and pretending to be working. He was glad he'd decided to plant that bug behind the head of Ianto's bed; subtly placing it there when he reached over to lovingly embracing the younger man. Jack knew that Gwen was the last person Ianto would choose to confide in. Whatever they were discussing, it couldn't be good.

Ianto's relationship with Gwen was tenuous at best. They had been civil enough to each other at first. But after the discovery of Lisa, that's when she began to show her true colors. Jack understood that she was upset about being strapped into the conversion unit and potentially killed. But after he'd had time to cool off, he also understood Ianto's grief. He understood how grief could blind you to reason, and make you do whatever it takes to save the one you love.

From what Jack knew of Gwen, she had never experienced that kind of loss. She certainly hadn't lived through the horrors that Ianto - or anyone else on the team, for that matter - had endured. So she had no way of understanding Ianto's motivation. Jack was beginning to see that maybe he was wrong in considering her the "heart" of Torchwood. She'd done nothing to prove herself worthy of that title.

Torchwood already had a heart, and it was Ianto.

His fears confirmed when he heard Ianto ask Gwen to Retcon him, and then heard Gwen agree without the slightest bit of hesitation, the best thing Jack could do at the moment was to play along.

As Gwen walked out of Ianto's bedroom, Jack looked up, feigning surprise.

"You were in there longer than I expected!" he observed.

"Yes, well, you were right, Jack," Gwen said, smiling sweetly. "Poor Ianto has been through enough. There's no need to punish him more."

Gwen leaned against the table, brushing her fingers lightly over Jack, and Jack nearly flinched at the touch. The woman really had no shame.

"I'll come back to see Ianto later today, all right?"

Jack nodded, an appreciative smile masking his true feelings of worry and distrust. "Good to see the two of you have come to an understanding.

With a nod and an obviously forced smile, Gwen leaned over and kissed Jack on the cheek. "Goodbye, Jack."

Jack watched Gwen walk out, and waited until he was sure she was gone. Then, he stepped just outside of Ianto's flat, making sure he was out of earshot, and dialed Owen on his mobile.

"Owen. We've got a problem."

 

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

"Hello, Jack!" Gwen called cheerily, setting her purse down on the kitchen table. "Just doing some cleaning, then?"

Jack nodded, not bothering to look up as he scrubbed the kitchen counter. "Ianto maintained a certain level of cleanliness here. I want to make sure things are up to his standards when he gets out of that bed," he explained, only half joking.

Gwen grunted, trying not to let her annoyance show. Such adoration in Jack's eyes as he talked about Ianto's obsessive cleanliness! After everything Ianto had done, Jack still clearly had feelings for him. Gwen couldn't understand it.

She knew she had no right to feel jealous. She had Rhys, and he was a good man. But Jack was exciting, dashing and heroic. Rhys might be safe, but Jack made things interesting. Gwen saw no harm in a little workplace romance on the side. It hadn't worked out so well with Owen. But Jack? Well, maybe Gwen actually had a chance with him! If only he hadn't been so preoccupied with Ianto, the bloody tea boy who kept dangerous secrets.

Well, Ianto would be taken care of soon enough. After a generous dose of Retcon, he'd be drugged back to babyhood. A fresh start, without sin. Jack would understand. Gwen was sure of it! Besides, Ianto _wanted_ to forget! She'd be making him pay for his crimes, and letting him forget his pain. As far as she could tell, she was doing what was in _everyone's_ best interest.

 

"Is Ianto awake?" Gwen inquired, staring in the direction of the bedroom.

"He wasn't when I last looked in on him," Jack answered, momentarily pausing his task. "But you can go on in. If he does wake up, he'll be happy to see you."

"Thanks." Gwen nodded in return, making her way to the bedroom.

Standing just inside the room, Gwen knocked lightly on the door frame. "Ianto? Are you awake?" she asked softly.

Ianto gave a low groan in response, and Gwen took that as an invitation to enter.

"D-do you h-have it?" Ianto stuttered, slurring his words a little.

"Right here, love," Gwen smiled; the picture of mock kindness. On the nightstand was a pitcher of water with a glass beside it. Gwen filled the glass a little more than half full. She then proceeded to take a bottle out of her coat pocket. Opening the bottle, she poured out about a handful of pills and set them on the table. Then, one by one, she emptied the clear contents of the capsules into the water, letting them dissolve in the clear liquid.

"Is it ready?" Ianto asked, looking as if his skin felt much too tight on him; his eyes pleading for release from the memories that were his prison.

"It's ready," Gwen nodded, helping Ianto to sit up.

"I'll need your help." Ianto nodded to the glass. "My hands aren't steady just yet."

"I understand," Gwen acknowledged with an insincere smile, guiding the cup to Ianto's mouth and letting him take small sips. "That's it...soon all of your sins will be forgotten."

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

"Back so soon?" Jack grinned, setting a plate of biscuits down on the center of the table.

"Yes. Poor dear was only able to keep his eyes open for a few minutes," Gwen replied, leaning against the back of a chair and eyeing the biscuits hungrily.

"Yeah. It kind of feels like he never came out of the coma at all," Jack laughed sadly, reaching up and taking two cups out of the cupboard.  
"Say, would you like to stay for tea? I could do with some conversation. And Ianto is hardly talkative these days."

"I'd like that," Gwen said agreeably, taking a seat and trying her best to conceal her excitement at being asked to spend some time alone with Jack. "I could use some tea about now."

His back to Gwen, Jack's mouth turned up into a dark smile. "After all you've done for Ianto today, I'd say you deserve it."

On a far corner of the kitchen counter, hidden beneath the food processor, lay a "Dear John" letter for Rhys, which Jack had expertly forged in Gwen's handwriting.

_TWTWTWTWTW_

 

The next morning at Flat Holm , Helen looked on as their newest resident slept . The woman had been out cold when Captain Harkness brought her in under the cover of night; a victim of complete memory loss. Apparently a former PC, she had now regressed to an infant state.

Helen sighed. In an ideal world, this woman would be able to start over. To mentally "grow up" once again. But Flat Holm didn't have the staff or the resources for such a task. The dark haired, freckled woman who lay before Helen would have to live out the rest of her days in this state. All that she could do was offer her care and comfort - and make sure they were well stocked on adult nappies.

The woman blinked into wakefulness, and as she took in her surroundings, frightened whimpers escalated into hysterical cries.

Rushing over to her, Helen gently stroked the woman's cheek in a effort to soothe her, patiently waiting until she calmed herself.

"It's all right, Gwen. No need to cry," Helen cooed. "We'll take good care of you here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, no, Gwen did not Retcon Ianto. Owen replaced the supposed "Retcon" with sugar pills. Ianto just fell back to sleep easily because he is still recovering.
> 
> I couldn't find a way to work this explanation into the chapter without it coming off as awkward. But I'm going to work it into the next chapter. After all, Ianto is going to want to know why he woke up remembering everything.


	8. The Discussion

 

It was only a matter of time.

When Owen had come over to stay with Ianto while Jack hauled an unconcious Gwen to Flat Holm, he made sure to shoot the sleeping Welshman up with a sedative that was sure to keep him out for the night. Jack was hesitant, considering the fact that Ianto had only just woken up from a coma. But Owen assured him that it was harmless, adding that he'd rather not be the one to deal with a "pissed off tea boy" when Ianto awoke with his memories intact.

And then, just over 9 hours later, it happened.

As Jack was reviewing a report Tosh had sent over to him, he was startled out of concentration by sad, frustrated cries.

"No...no..."

Jack shot up from where he sat, as if on reflex, hurrying into the bedroom to find Ianto curled into a ball, crying and hitting his head with his fists.

"Ianto! Ianto, stop this!" Jack pleaded, grabbing Ianto's wrists so that he couldn't hurt himself anymore. "Talk to me, Ianto," Jack continued in a calmer tone, once the younger man had physically calmed.

"I remember," Ianto whispered, almost inaudibly, looking down at his fists; Jack still clutching tightly at his wrists. "I shouldn't...I..." Ianto buried his face in his fists, struggling to free himself from Jack's grasp.

"I'm sorry, Ianto." Jack gently placed Ianto's hands into his lap. As Ianto was still too weak to put up a fight, and too distressed to care, they went down easily. "I know that sometimes it's painful to live with the memories we carry, but Retcon is not the answer!"

Ianto looked up at Jack, his red, teary eyes flashing anger at the older man. "How...how...?"

"How did I know you were going to ask Gwen to Retcon you?"

Ianto nodded, looking more irritated than surprised.

"Well, I knew that Gwen was the last person you'd want to confide in after everything that's happened. You and Owen have had your issues, but he's been taking care of you all along, so I think some trust exists between you now. You and Tosh are practically best friends. As for me...I think you're warming up to me."

Jack grinned his blinding trademark grin. Ianto simply looked away and grunted.

Reaching behind the headboard, Jack pulled out the small bug he had planted there, showing it to Ianto. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't take any chances."

Ianto's eyes widened, blazing with angry betrayal. "You had no right...I...why...?" Struggling to find the right words, Ianto resumed hitting himself.

"Ianto." Jack once again grabbed the Welshman by the wrists, and this time Ianto looked up at him, furious. "I had to do it, Ianto! Gwen was going to take away all of your memories! You'd end up no more than an overgrown baby!"

"I don't care!" Ianto cried. "It's better...better..." Ianto cried out in frustration. It seemed that the more upset he got, the harder it was for him to express himself. "I'm suffering, Jack," he finally sobbed. "Better if...I die." Those last words were spoken with such sad defeat, Jack could feel Ianto's agony in his every breath. It broke his heart.

"That's not true, Ianto," Jack insisted. "We were wrong to take you for granted before. _I_ was wrong! And if I -"

"No!" Finally breaking free of Jack's grasp, Ianto turned onto his side, his back to Jack. "You were always so cold to me. Why would you care now?"

Jack sighed, attempting to rub soothing circles on Ianto's back. But when Ianto bristled at the touch, Jack instead chose to put a steadying hand on his shoulder.

"I've always cared about you, Ianto. Why do you think I so activity pushed you away when we first met? You looked so dashing in your leather jacket and tight blue jeans. And when you came around with your amazing coffee? Oh, I was falling hard! But I kept you at a distance, because I was scared of what I felt for you. Finally, in the warehouse, when we captured Myfanwy, I surrendered to my feelings. But even after that, I avoided contact with you, apart from business and casual flirtation. Because I had come to regret hiring you."

Ianto snorted, and Jack was sure he must be rolling his eyes as well.

Choosing to ignore Ianto's attitude, Jack pressed on. "I regretted it because I'm in love with you, Ianto Jones! In all of my life, I've never loved someone as deeply as I love you! And when I found out about Lisa, I just..."

Jack stopped, noting that Ianto had starting shaking and sobbing softly. Without another thought, Jack got into the bed behind Ianto, embracing the crying Welshman, consequences be damned!

"I was jealous when I found out about Lisa," Jack explained. "And I was angry with you for hiding her. But that's no excuse for the way I treated you. I was cold and cruel, and I...I hate to think that played a part in you trying to take your own life."

Jack wasn't sure if he should be worried or relieved at Ianto's sudden silence. But he reminded himself that if he wanted to help Ianto, he couldn't be afraid of the truth.

Finally, after a few long moments, Ianto slowly turned to face Jack. "You're really in love with me?"

Jack nodded, brushing a tentative hand along Ianto's arm. "I am. And it terrifies me!"Ianto bristled slightly at the touch, closing his eyes and parting his lips; an expression that lay somewhere between longing and regret.

"I'm sorry," Jack apologized softly, pulling his hand away. "Perhaps I should have kept that to myself."

"No! No, it's...just a lot for me to process right now," Ianto admitted with an embarrassed smile. "I'm just overwhelmed is all."

"I understand," Jack said softly, before shifting to a less awkward topic of conversation. "Hey, would you like some yogurt? Owen says we can start you on soft foods now."

Ianto shrugged indifferently. "Sure."

With a tentative squeeze of Ianto's hand, Jack stood up and made his way to the door.

"Jack?" Ianto called after him.

"Yeah?" Jack asked, Turning around.

"I heard Owen tell you and Tosh..." Ianto looked down, his voice thick with hurt and betrayal. "Why didn't anyone tell me I have brain damage?"

Jack rushed back to the bed instinctively. Sitting down, he leaned over and gently cupped Ianto's face. "We were going to tell you, eventually," Jack told him. "We just wanted to wait until you were feeling a little stronger. But trust me, we would never keep something like that from you."

Ianto bit his lip thoughtfully, looking down. "I...how will it affect me?"

Jack sighed. "I think that's a conversation you need to have with Owen. But I can try and tell you what I remember from the information he gave me, if that helps."

Ianto nodded, waving his hand in a "go on!" motion.

Jack let one of his hands slide down into Ianto's, giving it a comforting squeeze. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Owen said you might have problems with speech and reasoning. And I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Ianto, but I'm already noticing that. Sometimes your speech is slow and slurred, and when you're upset, you seem to have trouble expressing yourself." Jack paused, watching Ianto look away, embarrassed. "Am I right about this?" he asked cautiously.

Ianto nodded. "Yes. I also have trouble following conversations that go too fast, or I lose words."

Jack smiled sadly at the younger man, admiring his courage. He knew it couldn't have been easy for him to admit his difficulties.

"How is your vision?" Jack questioned, running his thumb across Ianto's knuckles.

"I some...sometimes have trouble making things out," Ianto confessed softly. "My depth perception also appears to be poor. And I..." Ianto's voice trailed off, fear and shame clearly overwhelming him.

"Go on," Jack gently urged. "The more I know, the more I can try and help you.

Ianto looked up at Jack, anger once again present in his weary eyes. "If you truly wished to help me...I was supposed to die! Now I'm...I'm...Why didn't you leave me alone, like you always have?"

"I won't apologize for saving your life, Ianto!" Jack snapped. But with one confrontational glare from Ianto, Jack's eyes were once again haunted with a look of sorrowful regret, and his voice softened. "But I know that I played a part in driving you to do what you did. And, as I told you before, I am sorry for that." Jack gently tapped the Welshman's chin with his index finger, lifting Ianto's gaze to face him. "This isn't a death sentence, Ianto," Jack assured him. "You can still live and function in the world. You just might need to figure out some new ways to do it. And I'd like to help you with that...if you'll let me."

"I appreciate the thought, Jack. But you can't," Ianto said breathlessly, as he slowly sat up. "Torchwood is understaffed now. The Rift may have been quiet recently, but given it's unpredictable nature, it's not practical for you, or anyone on the team, to stay back and babysit me."

"Ianto, I'm hoping you can eventually come back - "

"I want that, too," Ianto interrupted. "But I have a long road ahead of me. I can...can learn to live with the brain damage. It won't be easy, but I'll manage. But my...my heart...it aches, Jack! After everything I've been through...This will take time! Torchwood can't afford to wait around for my recovery. You need to find some new recruits!"

"Ianto..."Jack began.

"If you want to help me, you need to find more people to help you. I'm not arguing this with you, Jack!" Ianto said decisively, and Jack's heart warmed at this glimpse of the no-nonsense Ianto he had known before everything fell apart.

Jack chuckled. "Okay, I will. You have my word. But first, I promised you a yogurt."

Ianto laughed softly; a sound that, to Jack's ears, was the most beautiful music!

"Jack?" Ianto called, grabbing the older man's arm as he stood.

Jack turned around. "Yeah?"

"About what you confessed to me earlier...we'll get back to that," Ianto said, the faintest of smiles crossing his lips.

"I'll look forward to that," Jack winked, eyes gleaming.


	9. Now That You Know...

 

Ianto slowly opened his eyes, vaguely aware that he was being watched. Turning his head, his saw blue eyes, and a gleaming, dimpled smile.  
  
"Hey, Ianto," Jack whispered, leaning forward and ruffling Ianto's hair affectionately.  
  
"Stop," Ianto grumbled sleepily, attempting to fix his hair. "I'm not a child."  
  
"No, I guess you aren't," Jack chuckled. "But you do look adorable when you sleep."  
  
"Hasn't the novelty worn off by now?" Ianto questioned, smiling in spite of himself.  
  
"Never!" Jack couldn't help but to grin even bigger.  
  
Ianto rolled his eyes, laughing softly  
  
"I just wanted to make sure I was around when you woke up in case you needed anything."  
  
Ianto felt his heart swell with gratitude. It really was very sweet for Jack to stay and look out for him like this.  
  
Owen had removed the feeding tube from Ianto a few days prior, and the IV and catheter earlier that morning, and everyone was surprised that Ianto was in no hurry to get out of bed and leap back into life - figuratively speaking, anyway. No one was more surprised by this than Ianto. He hated relying on others to take care of him. Since he was stuck with this life, he wanted to be as self sufficient as he could be with his broken mind. And yet, when he was finally "unplugged", as it were, all he wanted to do was go back to sleep.  
  
But Ianto had slept enough, he decided. It was time to be part of the world again.  
  
"I'd really love a shower right now," Ianto finally said, sitting up with Jack's help. "A _real_ shower."  
  
"What? You didn't enjoy the sponge baths?" Jack teased playfully.  
  
Ianto blushed once again. "It was a bit embarrassing being manhandled like that. I'd like to take care of myself."  
  
"Okay," Jack nodded, becoming more serious. "I can understand that. Owen and I have put a shower chair in your tub, so you can go clean up if you want to. But be patient with yourself. You said it yourself; your recovery will take time. And as much as you might hate it, you're going to need some help for awhile."  
  
Ianto nodded in resignation, slowly turning and letting his feet drop over the side of the bed. "It's been m-months since I've been on...on my feet, Jack," he whispered, looking down. "Will you...?" Ianto let his voice trail off, not daring to finish the thought.  
  
"I won't leave your side," Jack promised, putting his arms around Ianto and helping the younger man stand.  
  
A wave of dizziness washed over Ianto as he got to his feet. He felt as though he were falling, with nothing to catch him. Nothing beneath his feet; nothing anchoring him to place or time. Overwhelmed and lost. Collapsing into Jack's arms, he sobbed into the older man's chest.  
  
"Shh...easy, Ianto." Jack eased Ianto back down onto the bed. Sitting beside Ianto, Jack pulled him close, rubbing soothing circles on his back. "What happened just now?"  
  
Ianto shook his head, words failing him. "Lost...lost..." he repeated. It was the only thing he could think to say. The only word his spinning, sputtering mind could get his mouth to form.  
  
"It's okay, Ianto," Jack breathed patiently into his neck. "You don't have to do this now. We can try again later."  
  
"No," Ianto protested softly. "I want to...to try."  
  
"Okay, Ianto." Jack placed a warm kiss on top of Ianto's head. "But you need to let me help you. I won't clean any part of you unless you really need the help. But I want to be around to keep you safe while you shower."  
  
"Fair enough," Ianto sighed. "Let's get this over with."  
  
Jack nodded. "Okay. Do you want to try walking again, or do you need me to carry you?"  
  
Ianto blushed. He didn't love the idea of being carried around like a child. If Jack had to end up carrying him, so be it. But he wasn't ready to give up on himself just yet.  
  
"I'd like to try walking again."  
  
Jack smiled and nodded, placing his arm around Ianto's waist and helping him to stand.  
  
"Let me be your anchor," Jack told him. "Focus on the feel of me and know that I've got you. I won't let you fall."  
  
Ianto managed a weak smile and hummed, taking his first unsteady step forward; grateful for Jack's patience, understanding and kindness.  
  
_TWTWTWTWTW_  
  
Ianto was now at the kitchen table, feeling refreshed, and slightly more calm and focused after his shower. He had been able to walk with some difficulty for most of the way to the bathroom before it got to be too much for him. At that point, Jack carried him the rest of the way without comment.  
  
Ianto was pleased that he had been able to clean the top half himself. But bending forward made him dizzy and light headed, so Jack ended up washing his lower extremities and genitals. Ianto felt a flutter of embarrassment at being cleaned and looked over by the older man. He supposed he should be used to it by now. Jack had been giving him sponge baths every day for the past few months, all the way back to when he was comatose. And Jack had surprised everyone by keeping any comments or innuendo that might make Ianto uncomfortable to himself. He really had been thoughtful and considerate the entire time, seeming to understand what a difficult adjustment this all was for Ianto.  
  
But what was Ianto supposed to do after Jack's confession from a few days earlier? Knowing how Jack felt about him now, Ianto couldn't pretend he didn't know that the immortal was aroused by every touch. And now that Jack's feelings were out in the open, Ianto was having a harder time denying his own attraction to the American.  
  
Finally, Ianto decided it was best to simply confess his feelings to Jack. He and Jack could figure out where to take things from there. Knowing that Ianto's feelings were reciprocated made the idea of clearing the air that much easier. With that out of the way, Ianto would be able to focus on his recovery. Maybe he'd even feel more comfortable accepting help.  
  
"Here you go." Jack's voice pulled Ianto out of his trance. "Iced tea, and a tuna salad sandwich." Jack placed a plate and cup in front of Ianto, before returning to the counter to fetch his own.  
  
"Sorry it's nothing fancy," Jack apologized, sitting down beside Ianto. "I wasn't sure what your stomach could take right now."  
  
"That's okay." Ianto managed a small grin. "I'm not sure either." Taking a tiny bite, he let out a soft moan as he chewed, reminded of how good real food could taste. It had been so long since anything substantial had passed his lips.  
  
"If I had known a sandwich was all it took to get that kind of reaction out of you..." Jack began, waggling his eyebrows at Ianto.  
  
Ianto blushed, clearing his throat. "Jack, what you...what you said a-about being in love with me...did you mean it?"  
  
Placing his hand on the table, Jack entwined his fingers with Ianto's. "Every word," he said, the sincerity in his voice leaving nothing to question.  
  
Fighting his embarrassment, Ianto forced himself to look Jack in the eyes. Jack had put his feelings all out there. It was only fair that Ianto did the same.  
  
"I'm in love with you too, Jack," Ianto confessed. "I've been in love wi - with you ever since...the warehouse, when we caught Myfanwy together."  
  
"Really?" Jack asked, sounding genuinely surprised. "What about Lisa?"  
  
Ianto took another bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly, as if to allow himself more time to think of the right words to answer the question.  
  
"I loved her too. All along. I...I felt conflicted. I made Lisa a promise, and I didn't want to lose her. She w-was the only person who saw me. The only one who un-under...understood me. She was all I had. As far as I could tell, you never took notice of me."  
  
Jack's face fell. "Oh, Ianto. I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I knew what happened at Canary Wharf, and on our second meeting, you practically begged me to help you deal with those painful memories. I should have been more sensitive. If I had, maybe you would have felt you could come to me for help."  
  
"You would have helped me try to save my cyber girlfriend?" Ianto asked incredulously, the memory of Jack's anger at her discovery still fresh in his mind.  
  
"I would have tried to help you accept that she couldn't be saved," Jack clarified.  
  
Ianto turned slightly to face Jack, eyes teary and apologetic. "I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt, Jack," he said, voice thick with emotion. "I really thought she...could be cured!"  
  
"I know, Ianto, and I understand," Jack said, taking a sip of iced tea. "I forgave you months ago. I just hope you can forgive me for the way I treated you."  
  
"Of course I forgive you, Jack. You had every right to be angry."  
  
"No," Jack said emphatically. "The way I expressed my anger was uncalled for. What you did to yourself is proof of that."  
  
Ianto sighed, looking away, embarrassed. "Can we just move forward from all of this?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"Sure," Jack grinned. "Consider this a fresh start."  
  
They ate in comfortable silence after their talk, both feeling a bit lighter. It wasn't until Jack began clearing away the dishes that Ianto finally spoke up again.  
  
"Thank you, Jack. For keeping...things clean here and...taking care of me." Ianto's voice dropped off into an embarrassed whisper at the end of the sentence. He hated feeling so vulnerable.  
  
"My pleasure," Jack said, rinsing the plates and loading them up into the dishwasher. "And hey , you don't need to be so formal with me. There are no secrets between us anymore."  
  
"Well...there are _less_ secrets between us," Ianto corrected. " There is still much we don't know about one another."  
  
Jack dried his hands off on a towel and walked back over to Ianto. And when Jack reached out a hand to lovingly carress Ianto's cheek, the younger man surprised himself by leaning into the touch.  
  
"Come on, Ianto." Jack helped Ianto up. Putting an arm around Ianto, he allowed the Welshman to lean into him for support as they slowly made their way to the couch.  
  
"You're doing great!" Jack encouraged.  
  
Ianto smiled proudly. He did feel a little stronger since he had eaten. He was doing a slightly better job of supporting his own weight, though he still leaned heavily on Jack.  
  
Jack guided Ianto to take a seat beside him, and Ianto couldn't fight the urge to rest his head on the older man's shoulder.  
  
"So, now that our feelings are out in the open, h-how do you want to proceed?" Ianto asked, breathing in Jack's intoxicating aroma.  
  
"I think we should get away for awhile," Jack said, kissing the top of Ianto's head. "No work; no distractions, alien or otherwise. Just a chance for us to really get acquainted."  
  
"That does sound nice, but what about Torchwood?" Ianto asked, sitting up and meeting Jack's gaze. "As far as I know, you...still need to find a r-replacement for me and...I'm guessing Gwen is no longer part of the team either?"  
  
Jack chuckled. "No. No, she's not, Ianto."  
  
There was a part of Ianto that wanted Jack to elaborate on Gwen's fate, but he thought better of it. He had a pretty good idea what had happened to her. Besides, there was another part of him that was glad she was gone. He couldn't explain why just yet. His mind was still too muddled. All Ianto understood at the moment was that he was enjoying having Jack all too himself; something that rarely happened before, and even less since Gwen had joined Torchwood.  
  
"So? What about Torchwood?" Ianto asked again, preferring to move on from the subject of Gwen Cooper. "Tosh and Owen can't be expected to run things on their own."  
  
"No, and they won't have to," Jack assured Ianto, pulling him close once again. "Not to worry. I have some people in mind."


	10. Unexpected Companions

 

 

  
Yawning, Andy pushed his shopping cart through the market. He'd just gotten off of a very long shift, and was looking forward to having a day off. Not that it was anything to get excited about. He rarely had time to socialize. As a result, he had no one to make plans with. It was just as well. In his line of work, Andy had grown to appreciate solitude. All the same, he wouldn't mind the company of one or two like-minded individuals.  
  
  
  
Andy mindlessly skimmed the frozen foods, taking his usuals almost on reflex. Cheese pizza, mac and cheese, a sad chicken stir fry dinner with soggy, flavorless vegetables...and then he saw him. Rhys Williams, stocking up on many of the same items. Though he was much more deliberate about it, studying every package, as if shopping like this for the first time. Or at least, the first time in a long time. Gwen had often spoke of Rhys' impressive culinary skills, and on more than one occasion, Andy had found himself envying the tasty looking lunches she had brought into work. So to see Rhys stocking up on frozen dinners felt a bit surreal.  
  
  
  
For a moment, Andy debated whether or not to to talk to Rhys. They had never really been friends, but he liked Rhys well enough. And maybe he could get an update on Gwen; find out how his former partner liked being part of Special Ops.  
  
  
  
"Rhys!" he finally called. The other man looked up at him, momentarily surprised, before smiling with cordial recognition.  
  
  
  
"Andy!" he quickly returned the greeting, distractedly eyeing the selection of frozen dinners in Andy's cart. "Ahh...so those are good, eh? They could pass for actual food?"  
  
  
  
Andy shrugged. "They're all right. Just sustenance. Cooking for one is kind of pointless."  
  
  
  
"I hear you, brother," Rhys nodded, his voice suddenly very soft. "I'm having to adjust to this way of eating myself. First time since college."  
  
  
  
Andy tilted his head in surprise. "Gwen not home for dinner much these days? Too busy with Special Ops?"  
  
  
  
"No idea," Rhys said blandly, tossing a few frozen burritos into his cart. "Gwen left me."  
  
  
  
"What? When?" Andy asked, only a little surprised. Rhys was a good man, and likely a loving and faithful companion. One he could easily see Gwen taking for granted. And with her new job, she'd likely found herself distracted by the latest shiny new object. It's not that Andy didn't like Gwen. He just knew that she could be fickle and shallow. Probably not the best match for a guy like Rhys.  
  
  
  
"Few days ago," Rhys answered, making a face at the meatloaf dinner he was holding before tossing it back into the freezer. "I woke up and found a note from her on the kitchen table. Said she didn't think we were right for each other. I'm a homebody, and she wants to see the world. I want a family. She doesn't want one yet." Rhys sighed, running a hand through his hair. "So I guess she's off traveling somewhere now."  
  
  
  
"Oh, that's rough, mate. I'm sorry," Andy said sympathetically.  
  
  
  
Rhys shrugged. "Should have seen it coming."  
  
  
  
Andy glanced at their carts; sad commentaries on their solitary existences. He then looked up at Rhys' despondent expression. It seemed they could both use a friend on this particular night, and he wouldn't feel right letting Rhys go home alone, after losing his girlfriend of over a decade.  
  
  
  
"Tell you what." Andy gave Rhys a friendly pat on the arm. "Why don't we get our groceries home, then meet up for dinner?"  
  
  
  
Rhys looked up uncertainly. "You sure? We've never really hung out before. Not without Gwen."  
  
  
  
"Yeah, well, consider this a fresh start. Who knows? We might just end up liking each other," Andy said, flashing his boyish grin.  
  
  
  
"Sure, why not?" Rhys said, returning the smile. "You want to try that Indian place that just opened?"  
  
  
  
"I love Indian food!" Andy said agreeably. "Meet you at around 7:30?"  
  
  
  
"See you then," Rhys nodded, waving as he walked off, pushing his cart.  
  
  
  
Andy stared after Rhys for a moment, wondering why he was feeling a slight flutter in his heart.  
  
  
  
_TWTWTWTWTW_  
  
  
  
"You know, Gwen hates Indian food," Rhys commented, taking a bite of lamb vindaloo.  
  
  
  
"Kind of fitting that it's your first meal out as a free man, then," Andy observed, spearing a forkful of gobi Manchurian.  
  
  
  
"I suppose," Rhys sighed.  
  
  
  
Andy felt a wave of guilt wash over him at the other man's expression. "Hey. I'm sorry, Rhys. I was only trying to lighten the mood. I know this must be hard for you."  
  
  
  
"No worries, Andy. It's nothing you said." Rhys wiped his mouth off with a napkin. "I mean, I miss Gwen and all. But I felt us growing apart for awhile now. So her leaving didn't bother me quite as much as I expected it to. I feel like I should miss her more than I do, you know?"  
  
  
  
"Huh." Andy scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. "Well, you did just say you were growing apart. I hate to say it, but maybe this is a good thing for you."  
  
  
  
Rhys just shrugged and continued to eat.  
  
  
  
"Oh, come on!" Andy continued, trying to remain positive for Rhys' sake. "Look at you eating this food that you wouldn't be able to with Gwen around. Enjoying a night for yourself. Could you do that with Gwen? You have to admit she could be a bit selfish sometimes."  
  
  
  
That managed to get a small chuckle from Rhys. "I suppose. It's just... _she_ left! And it got me thinking. Was it me? Maybe _I_ was the problem. What if Gwen was my last chance to - "  
  
  
  
"You stop that now, Rhys Williams!" Andy snapped. "If anyone is losing out, it's Gwen. Doubt she'll find another man as good and thoughtful as you."  
  
  
  
Suddenly, Rhys started laughing a loud, roaring belly laugh; his face lit up with mirth.  
  
  
  
"What's so funny?" Andy asked, puzzled at Rhys' sudden change in mood.  
  
  
  
"Look at us!" Rhys finally said, after taking a moment to catch his breath. "Talking about our feelings, like a pair of girls!"  
  
  
  
Andy snorted out a most undignified laugh, then sat back and observed Rhys with a smirk. "You'd make a cute girl."  
  
  
  
Making a sound that was a cross between a gasp and laughter, Rhys sat up straight, eyes wide, mouth open. " _You'd_ make a cute girl, Andy! _You're_ the pretty one!"  
  
  
  
"You're both right."  
  
  
  
Rhys and Andy turned to see a handsome stranger pulling up a seat beside their table. He had light brown hair, blue eyes, and a gleaming, dimpled smile, and he spoke with an American accent. We wore a long military coat, and looked very much like an old-time movie star.  
  
  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Rhys demanded, expressing both annoyance and curiosity.  
  
  
  
"I'm Captain Jack Harkness," the man replied. "And I want to talk to both of you about some job openings I have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, were these the new Torchwood recruits you were expecting? ;) I've always liked Rhys and Andy, and I'm looking forward to writing them without Gwen's presence weighing them down.
> 
> I hope I managed to get their voices right. I've never written either of them before, and I'm not quite used to writing their unique manner of speaking. But I gave it my best shot.


	11. Karmic Justice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since today is my birthday, I'm hoping to be gifted with some extra comments and kudos on this chapter. Pretty please with Jack on top of Ianto? ;)

 

Toshiko sighed in fond exasperation as she watched Ianto dusting a bookshelf. His movements were slow and deliberate, and he often had to pause and lean tiredly against it.

Though she would have preferred for Ianto to be resting, Tosh said nothing of it. Cleanliness and order had always been important to Ianto. And now, brought back from the brink of death, with noticeable brain damage to prove it, Ianto probably needed this to bring back a small sense of normalcy. He wanted to feel useful.

"I s-supposed Jack is... at the Hub by now?" Ianto commented, taking a final swipe at the bookshelf. "Showing the new recruits around?"

"Do you remember when Gwen first showed up?" Tosh asked, giggling as she looked up at Ianto, watching the Welshman fold up the dust rag and set it aside.

"She looked like...like a g-gap toothed goldfish," Ianto chuckled, smirking as he plopped down onto the couch beside Tosh. "I'm glad she's gone," he added, surprising Tosh with the blunt show of disdain. Apparently, this new, brain damaged Ianto had no social filter.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Ianto added hastily, catching sight of Tosh's smirk. "I shouldn't have...have said that."

"Why not? She was horrible!" Tosh laughed. "Since we're being honest, I'm glad she's gone, too!"

At that, Ianto also laughed. The sound warmed Tosh's heart. Ianto's laughter had been all too rare lately.

"Do you know what became of Gwen?" Ianto asked, once their laughter had died down. "All Jack told me was that she's been 'dealt with'."

Tosh shrugged. "I have no idea. But I'm sure she got what she deserved."

Looking down, Ianto's smile faded, his expression turning pensive. "I always thought that Jack...she and Jack..."

"Only in her wildest dreams," Tosh reassured Ianto. "We may have been fooled by Gwen's supposed 'heart' at first, but she eventually showed us her true colors. She tried to hurt you, Ianto. And Jack made sure she paid dearly for that."

"You don't think..." Ianto gasped.

"Oh no!" Tosh giggled. "I'm sure that whatever Jack did to her is a fate far worse than death!" She sat back, resting her cheek in her hand. "There's nothing Jack wouldn't do for you, you know."

"Y-you..knew?" Ianto stammered, wide eyes blinking.

"Of course I knew," Tosh said, smirking. "I think I knew before Jack knew!"

Ianto shifted where he sat, looking a little embarrassed. "He invited me on holiday, you know. Said he wanted the opportunity to get to know me better."

"That's wonderful!" Tosh exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "I think that shows just how serious Jack is about you! This isn't his usual flirtation, Ianto. You really mean something to him."

Ianto shrugged, blushing.

"So, where are you going for your holiday?" Tosh inquired.

"No idea," Ianto shrugged again. "I t-told Jack...I'd only go... after he h-hired people to replace Gwen and myself."

"So _that's_ why Jack was so motivated to recruit them!" Tosh chuckled. "He told me you selected Rhys and Andy yourself."

"I did," Ianto confirmed, lips twitching up in amusement. "And before -y-you ask, yes, I...do see it as karmic justice that Torchwood is...hiring Gwen Cooper's ex-boyfriend and...former partner."

Tosh couldn't help but to burst out laughing at that statement, and the look on Ianto's face as he said it. Post brain damage Ianto was a little evil. And, as his best friend, she couldn't deny it filled her with devilish glee.


	12. Back At The Hub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long delay between chapters. One reason was that I needed to figure out exactly where I was going with the story. Another was that I didn't think that many people were reading anyway, so that kind of dampened by motivation to write. 
> 
> But I've recently had people ask me when I would be updating this story, and that interest awakened my muse!
> 
> I hope you find this chapter worth the wait. I'll try and update more frequently from now on.
> 
> Also, I'm on Twitter now. Would love it if you followed me there!
> 
> https://twitter.com/ThePeachyMonkey

Being back at the Hub in itself was terrifying. But it was the idea of meeting the new recruits that really scared Ianto. Rhys Williams and Andy Davidson. Two men who were so closely connected to Gwen Cooper, Ianto couldn't help but to wonder if they would be just as cruel.

Jack, Tosh, and even Owen accepted the difficulty Ianto had speaking, the way his face often twitched involuntarily, and the violent tremors he sometimes got in his hands. This was all a part of who Ianto was now. And, while Ianto sometimes resented them for saving his life, only so he could live in this state, he appreciated this acceptance.

But who knew what these new people would make of him? Since his failed suicide attempt, Ianto hadn't seen anyone outside of the team. And he found himself anxious and embarrassed at the very idea.

But then Ianto thought of all Jack had done for him. And he reminded himself that Jack had chosen him over Gwen. He had gotten rid of her before she'd had a chance to wipe Ianto's mind clean. And though Ianto was unclear on the details, he was sure that Jack was far from merciful when dealing justice to Gwen.

So if Jack had chosen Rhys and Andy, after so abruptly sending Gwen away, maybe they weren't so bad after all.

Now that he'd met them, Ianto saw that his fears were unfounded. Rhys and Andy were both kind, funny, jovial and intelligent men. They would make welcome additions to the team, Ianto thought. And Rhys would make a fine replacement for him.

In fact, having spent the afternoon in the archives with Rhys, Ianto was not only impressed by the man's focus and ability to pick up on Ianto's filing system so quickly. But he was also comforted by his empathy and understanding.

Rhys listened patiently as Ianto explained things. Never cutting him off. Never talking down to Ianto, or treating him like he was stupid. Despite Ianto's clumsy speech, and awkward movements, Rhys treated him with kindness and respect. In a way, their first meeting was better than when Ianto had met Jack and the rest of the team. There was an immediate ease between the two Welshmen, and Ianto had a feeling they could end up being good friends.

"So..." Rhys scratched at his arm nervously. "I was wondering...what exactly happened to Gwen? I never got a proper explanation from her. Just woke up one morning and found a note from her telling me it was over."

It was almost too much for Ianto, looking into into Rhys' sad eyes. He seemed so heartbroken and defeated. Did he really not realize what a bullet he had dodged? Did he not know that he was too good for Gwen, and she was lucky to have him for as long as she had?

Ianto wanted to tell Rhys all of this. He wanted to tell Rhys about how Gwen's reckless insubordination had endangered the team and gotten people killed. And he really wanted to tell Rhys about the cruelty and abuse he had suffered at her hands in the time before his "accident."

Instead, Ianto looked at Rhys with a tearful half smile, giving the simplest, most honest answer he could.

"G-Gwen left...while I was r-reco-recovering...from...my accident. S-sorry I can't be more help."

It was the truth. Ianto really didn't know what exactly had become of Gwen. And bringing up any suspicions he might have had about Gwen's fate would only upset Rhys.

Rhys looked a little embarrassed. He obviously hadn't taken into account the timing of events. "Sorry, Ianto. I know you've had a rough go of it."

Looking down at his shoes, Ianto simply shrugged uncomfortably. He didn't want to be pitied. "To t-tell the...truth, Gwen and I were never really c-close. I think..." Ianto's voice trailed off, as he realized he was about to speak some truths that Rhys might not want to hear.

"Go on!" Rhys urged, seeing Ianto's hesitation. "If you're worried about speaking ill of Gwen in front of me, don't be. It might make me feel better!"

Ianto looked up, raising a dubious eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah," Rhys laughed, his big smile putting Ianto at ease. "Woman left me! Go on now, Ianto! Say your piece!"

Ianto laughed nervously, but proceeded, emboldened by Rhys' good natured encouragement. "I...I think she...looked down on m-me."

Unshed tears glimmered in Rhys' eyes, betraying the smile on his face. But he walked up to Ianto, giving him a sideways hug in a show of support.

"Yeah? I think she looked down on everyone," he said, as if admitting it to himself for the first time.

"Excuse me," Tosh called from the doorway, and Ianto wondered just how long she had been standing there. "If you're hungry, Jack brought back some deli sandwiches and soup."

"Sounds good. I'm starving!" Rhys said, as he and Ianto followed Tosh out."

  " _Ianto."_

Ianto stopped in his tracks, startled by the familiar voice.

  
"You coming, Ianto?" Tosh asked, looking back at him.

"Yeah...um...I'll b-be up in a m-minute."

Tosh nodded, eyes lingering on him like a protective big sister. But she left with Rhys just the same.

Once he was alone, Ianto scanned the archives nervously; right eye twitching, teeth chattering, hands shaking. His entire body gripped by what his suicide attempt had done to him.

"Who's...th-there?" Ianto asked, telling himself it couldn't possibly be the voice he thought he was hearing.

"Oh, I think you know," the menacing voice replied.

Slowly turning to look behind him, Ianto saw Lisa. She was dressed in a blue silk blouse and black slacks, accented by a pearl necklace and diamond stud earrings. This was the outfit she had worn on their very first date. She looked stunning!

But she didn't belong. She wasn't supposed to be here.

"Lisa...y-you're dead..." Ianto began. "How..."

"How could you, Ianto?" Lisa demanded, stalking over to him.

"I...I..." Ianto wasn't sure how to respond. This couldn't be real!

"Did you even mourn me?" Lisa was now standing just inches from Ianto's face. "Before you took up with the man who killed me?!"

"Lisa! Ah...I..."

Before Ianto had a chance to catch his breath, he found himself on the floor; Lisa's hands around his neck, choking the life out of him.

"Did you even care that I was gone?!"

 


	13. Sorting Reality From Illusion

 

"Lisa," Ianto gasped, struggling to speak through the feeling of Lisa's thumbs pressing onto his windpipe. "I...loved you...I r-risked ev-every-thing..."  
  
  
"You didn't try hard enough," Lisa growled, increasing the pressure to Ianto's throat. "Do you really think those people saved you because they care anything about you? They all laugh at you! This is your punishment, Ianto! Condemned to live out your days as a useless, broken freak!"  
  
At those words, Ianto could only cry. Lisa was right. Of course she was right! How could he ever be foolish enough to believe this was anything more than some twisted life sentence for his crimes?  
  
"So-rry..." Ianto whimpered, looking up to meet Lisa's angry glare, which was becoming increasingly blurry as he slowly slipped out of consciousness.  
  
He was a disappointment. An embarrassment. He had let Lisa down. He had let Torchwood down.  
  
Deciding that death would be the kindest fate, Ianto stopped struggling. At Lisa's hand, he would finally get his wish.  
  
He would be free.  
  
_TWTWTWTWTW  
  
"Ianto! Ianto!"_  
  
Jack's voice was a faraway echo; piercing the darkness that had swallowed Ianto up. And as he slowly blinked into wakefulness, he found himself resting in the American's lap, cradled in his arms.  
  
"Jack!" Ianto jerked upright in a sudden movement, confused, and certain he must be dreaming. "H-how..."  
  
"Easy, Ianto. Just rest," Jack whispered, easing Ianto back down into his arms. "You wanna tell me what happened here? I came down to fetch you, and found you thrashing around on the floor."  
  
Ianto took several deep breaths, trying to get his mind to communicate properly with his mouth. Struggling to express something that he still didn't understand.  
  
"Lisa...she w-was here..."  
  
"Lisa is dead, Ianto," Jack reminded him. "You saw her die."  
  
"I know that, Jack!" Ianto snapped, sitting up once again and facing Jack with a glare that was more frustrated than angry. "B-but she was here. I...felt her hands ch-choking..." Ianto's voice trailed off, and he closed his eyes with a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I've g-gone mad...haven't I?"  
  
"I wouldn't say that," Jack answered, pulling Ianto back into his arms, so that the Welshman's head was resting on his shoulder. "I'd say you've suffered through a series of traumatic events, and were never given the support you needed in the aftermath. But I promise, that's going to change."  
  
"I don't...n-need your charity," Ianto said tiredly.  
  
"Don't think of it as charity. Think of it as me finally realizing what really matters." This time, it was Jack who pulled back. Keeping his hands firmly on Ianto's arms. "Now...what do _you_ need right now, Ianto Jones?"  
  
"I..."Ianto bit his lip, considering his answer. Despite the fact that he wasn't technically working for Torchwood anymore, he didn't want to just walk away from it without making sure Rhys had a clear idea what was expected of him as Ianto's replacement. But the fellow Welshman seemed a quick study, and Ianto felt that what he wanted wouldn't need to be sacrificed for what he felt he needed.  
  
"I w-want to...finish tr-training up Rhys today," Ianto finally answered. "And then...i-if you still...want to...I'd like to t-take that holiday y-you...mentioned earlier. I just need to g-get...get away from Torchwood for awhile.""  
  
Jack smiled, letting both his hands slide down to clasp Ianto's. "You got it. I'll make the arrangements while you finish training Rhys." Jack kissed Ianto on the cheek, and for the first time that day, Ianto felt safe and grounded. While he couldn't stop thinking about what Lisa - or, the hallucination of Lisa, anyway - had told him; that Jack and the others had saved him as a punishment, Jack's actions left little room for doubt. He truly did seem to love Ianto. And even if it was all a lie, it was the most beautiful of lies.


	14. Tell Me What It's Like For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay between chapters. The problem was, while I had an idea where I wanted to take the story, I couldn't think of a way to get there that I found all that interesting. But it turns out the break was a good thing! I've been inspired to do something completely beyond what I had planned when I started the story, and I'm really excited about it! I'm hoping this means I will be able to update more frequently from now on. :)

 

 

"How are you feeling, Ianto?" Jack asked, taking his eyes off the road for just a moment to glance at the Welshman in the passenger seat.

Ianto stared out the window, watching the countryside pass by, a thoughtful look in his eyes. But at Jack's words, he turned to look at the older man, opening his mouth to speak a few times before answering. Seemingly searching for the right words.

"I...I'm fine, Jack. Feeling much better. Thank you," Ianto finally answered with a small smile, his tone soft and timid, yet filled with gratitude.

And that was enough to set Jack's mind at ease. Ianto's body language was more relaxed, and his smile genuine. Most telling, though, was Ianto's speech. His stutter was barely present. Earlier, at the Hub, Ianto's stutter was so bad, it was often difficult to understand what he was saying. But now, Ianto was more likely to take a thoughtful pause, only stuttering occasionally.

Jack realized now that Ianto's stutter was a good way to gauge how stressed or overwhelmed he was feeling. The worse his stutter, the harder a time he was having in the moment.

Secretly, Jack was glad for this knowledge. Ianto had never been one to ask for help. This way, Jack could help Ianto adjust to his new life, and Ianto wouldn't need to say a word.

Smiling back at the Welshman, Jack reached over, giving his knee a light squeeze, before turning his attention back to the road.

They rode in what Jack considered a comfortable silence for several minutes before Ianto spoke up softly.

"A-am I being punished?"

Jack turned to face Ianto, eyes wide, mouth open; thoroughly confused by the younger man's question.

"What do you mean? I thought you wanted to go on holiday."

"No. That's...not..." Ianto gave a frustrated grunt, then closed his eyes and took a few calming breaths before continuing.

"Letting me live. Is it a p-punish-ment? Do you enjoy watching me s-struggle?"

Jack sighed sadly. "No, Ianto. Of course not. I...Hang on a sec."

Jack pulled the car over to the side of the quiet country road, turning off the engine.

Turning to Ianto, Jack reached for the younger man's hand. And with a little effort, Ianto stiffly moved his own hand to Jack's, letting their fingers intertwine.

"Tell me what it's like for you, Ianto. I want to understand what you're going through, so that I can help you."

Ianto looked down, licking his lips nervously. "G-give me a moment to...find my words."

"Take all the time you need," Jack said with an understanding smile, giving Ianto's hand a reassuring squeeze.

Returning the smile, Ianto looked down at their joined hands, sorting out his thoughts.

"What I...f-feel...I don't have the right words at first. It's just emotion. I don't always know what it means. And once I s-sort out...my thoughts, I need to translate them into words so that I can...talk to you."

"That all sounds quite overwhelming," Jack said, with a sympathetic tilt of his head.

"You have no idea," Ianto murmured, shaking his head. "My body doesn't always move the way I want it to. Every step, every...every wave of my hand...I need to put great thought into what I'm doing. This is why I'm often so c-clumsy. "

Ianto leaned back in the passenger seat, sighing. "It's...it's eh-exhausting."

Looking at Ianto, so frustrated, sad and despondent, Jack once again felt guilt weighing heavily on his heart. Not for his part in bringing Ianto back from the brink of death. But for helping to create the circumstances that had gotten him to that point.

Reaching over and brushing Ianto's cheek, Jack wished more than anything to see the Welshman smile again.

"Ianto, I'm sorry. When I found you in your flat that day, and asked Owen to save you, I had no idea this would be the outcome. But I'm glad you're still here. And I hope that maybe spending a little time outside of Cardiff will do you some good."

Ianto laughed joylessly, his smile a mask of bitter realization. "It really has been one c-catas-trophe after another these last few years, hasn't it?"

"Yeah," Jack agreed, smiling sympathetically. "Life hasn't let up for you. Getting away for awhile could be just what you need to clear your mind and get some perspective. Who knows? Maybe you'll even find a way to enjoy life again."

"Yeah. Maybe." Ianto smiled gratefully at Jack. "Thank you for b-believing I'm worth saving."

Returning the smile, Jack leaned over, kissing Ianto chastely on the cheek. "Thank you for reminding me what it means to be human."

Giving Ianto's hand a final squeeze, Jack turned his attention back to the road and started up the engine.

Having this new insight into Ianto's reality, Jack was more determined than ever to help him find joy in his existence. 

Something told him they were at the beginning of an important journey.


End file.
